This is the first installment of a four-part series on awareness of thoughts and feelings.
In early childhood, we develop a model for predicting other people’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. This concept, called theory of mind, is essential for social interaction, communication, empathy, and even deception.1
It encompasses a range of cognitive skills necessary for attributing mental states—such as knowledge, intentions, emotions, and perceptions—to oneself and others. These skills continue to develop throughout life.
Since we draw on our subjective experience to predict what’s going on inside others, cultivating curiosity about our own mental and emotional states sharpens this empowering capacity.
To effectively de-escalate a volatile situation with another person, we must first learn to regulate ourselves. This is one of the most empowering skills we can develop, and the attention exercises I practice and share can make a significant difference.
This requires becoming more familiar with the mental and emotional mechanisms underlying thinking and feeling. While the emphasis tends to be on the content of our inner workings, mindful awareness investigates their composition, helping us shift from knee-jerk reactions to composed responses, even when the stakes are high. Mindfulness practice reduces our baseline resistance to uncertainty and helps us avoid escalating painful emotional reactions into catastrophes.
In this series, I will share exercises for:
observing the mental screen
hearing thoughts as sounds
detecting emotional feelings in the body
combining all three of these challenges into a single exercise
To set up today’s exercise, I want to share a couple of experiences that helped me appreciate the importance of observing perceptions rather than rushing to analyze their meaning.
During a silent meditation retreat, I volunteered to lead a long sitting practice. My only job was to ring the bell to start, keep track of the time, and ring it again to signal the end. It was a long one, though—ninety minutes. The responsibility felt significant, and my mind went to town. I watched in my mind’s eye as people expressed their opinions about how I was doing. They scowled, smiled, giggled, and whispered harsh criticisms of me to each other. Some weighed in to suggest I was doing an exceptional job—much better than your typical bell-ringing and clock-watching. None of this played out in the actual room, of course, but vividly in the room in my mind where I can picture things. I had a front-row seat to the workings of my mind, observing emotionally fueled distortions in real time.
The other salient experience happened when my daughter was in high school. We were informed that a student was suspected of bringing a gun to school with plans to use it. This information came to light after the school had assessed the risk and removed the unarmed student for evaluation. Although there was no imminent threat to my daughter’s safety or that of her classmates, my mind began to conjure disturbing images based on my past exposure to footage of school shootings. Even in the absence of danger, my mind and body were still processing what could have happened, feeling powerless to do anything about it—even if it had.
I offer these two examples to emphasize an important aspect of mindfulness practice that is often overlooked when it’s simplified to just breath awareness and relaxation. The willingness to observe our thoughts and feelings—especially when they involve humiliation, outrage, or fear—leads to a deeper connection with the experience of being alive. It’s an intimacy I didn’t realize was possible when I first committed to ongoing practice.
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Exercise
This exercise investigates the visual aspect of spatial awareness with your eyes closed.
Circumstances for learning this attention exercise
Spending a few minutes after dinner to observe your mental state before deciding what to read or watch.
Observing your mental processing after reading or watching a movie or series.
Easing the transition into sleep.
